Uptown Girl
by Lady Emzebel
Summary: It's love at first sight across the foodcourt when Sanji spots Nami at the juice bar. Knowing all too well the reprecussions, Zoro attempts to smack some sense into him, but Sanji's sure about this one. AU oneshot for Dandy Wonderous. Enjoy.


Title: Uptown Girl

Rating: T

Pairing: Sanji/Nami (I don't actually believe I just wrote that...*stares at hands*...you traitors. XP) And yes, that _is_ unrequited love you smell.

Warnings: Het, dash of crack, AU, plus more musical madness.

Disclaimer: One Piece isn't mine (each time I write that my heart breaks a little...you cruel copyright-conscientious jerkoffs XD). The song belongs to...er...well, the version I know was sung by Westlife. Either way, I didn't write it.

A/N: Written for Dandy-Wonderous and anyone else who doesn't like yaoi but continues to soldier through and read my fics anyway. You guys are friggin' amazing.

A/N 2: Oh, and as for 'Hans Ratchet'...yeah, I am talking about the bad guy from movie seven. Personally, I thought the pairing could be quite hot. XD

-----X3-----

Lunch in the school cafeteria was shit; Sanji swore the meatloaf and mystery stew's primary ingredients were the causes of unsolved murder cases—i.e. those in which a body was never found—and it was completely unsurprising that Roger D. Gol High's resident pathological liar, Usopp, had run with this story until no one wanted to eat at the school anymore.

Thus, the majority of the student body was in the food court of the nearby mall, chowing down on food that, while not gourmet by any standards, was significantly less horrible.

Within this student body, Sanji himself sat at a two-seater table, a half-eaten Subway sandwich before him—wheat bread, meatball marinara, extra cheese, lots of veggies—and one thick-headed marimo stuffing his face with onigiri like it was going out of style seated opposite.

Lazily taking a drag on his forbidden cigarette, the blond leaned back in his chair and spread his legs slightly, asserting his dominance.

The fact that he was obviously sexy alpha male, and would not tolerate unpleasant word vomit from his companion, was completely, utterly lost on Zoro.

"Gawd, Professor Kureha is such a bitch. All that fucking Biology homework is bound to cut into my training time with coach Kaku..."

"Don't call her a bitch, asshole. It's rude..."

"But she is! She's old too."

"Whatever."

"She's a harpy."

"Uh huh."

"She's a...she's..."

"She's so damned _cute_."

"Hah!?"

Zoro glanced up at Sanji from his sushi, only to see the gangly blonde staring off somewhere over his left shoulder, his one visible eye glazed over and teeth nibbling his bottom lip.

The green-haired teen sighed. That 'look' never boded good. Whenever Sanji started mooning after a girl, the idiot got it in his head he was actually in love.

_Stupid idiot_, Zoro thought, reaching gloomily for his soda and wishing it was alcohol.

Usually the 'look' was followed by endless declarations of devotion, a stinging shut down, a moping, partially suicidal Sanji, and a Zoro going absolutely spare trying to cheer up his best mate without looking totally gay until the blonde bounced back full-force. It was enough to drive the wannabe swordsman mental.

"And who, may I ask, is it this time?"

"Hmm?"

"The girl, idiot."

Sanji's lips spread into a goofy grin.

"Yuh know that girl in our grade, Nojiko?"

"Uhhh...."

"Blue hair, curly tattoos, looks like a bloody angel..."

"Oh yeah, her. Sits behind us in Calculus, right?"

"Yeah. She's real cute too. But not as cute."

"...so if you ain't moonin' over her, then who?'

"Her younger sister."

"WHAT!?"

Zoro whipped his head around. Sure enough, over by the juice bar, stood the vaguely familiar redhead slurping rather promiscuously on a lollipop and chatting with her considerably more conservative friend.

_What's with the blue hair on all the people she interacts with? _Zoro wondered as he turned back to the dopey Sanji.

"_Nami?!"_ he stage-whispered, looking disgusted.

Sanji nodded dreamily.

"You do realise she's a whore right?"

Sanji's foot nearly took Zoro's head off.

"How dare you!" Sanji snarled, his face going a spectacular shade of tomato. "Miss Nami would never be associated with such a profession..."

"Alright fine...but she _is_ a gold digger."

"Miss Nami..."

"_Miss Nami _is currently dating Hans Ratchet, the biggest nerd in the school. He's certainly no looker, and has about as much masculine prowess as a pea. Before now, girls have thoroughly enjoyed using him as an ego boost and less well-edowed boys give him wedgies in the locker room..."

"Boys like you, then?" Zoro ignored him and soldiered on.

"Now why might she be dating him? But of course! The dweeb's fuckin' loaded! His mother's related to royalty or something..."

"How the hell do you know so much about him?"

"Robin. We got bored when she was over at my place last weekend for that project. After we finished, she called Usopp and together we got him to hack the school's filing system for us. It was fun."

He smirked. Sanji did not look amused.

"...she's an eight-year-old genius, he's a raving computer geek, and you're a sword-obsessed moron...scary to think the kinds of people that could take over the world."

"Pffft, you're just jealous. Besides, the dweeb brags at any chance he gets."

"Look, you're reading too much into this..."

"I am not. She's a gold-digger. What makes it worse is that she's rich herself..."

"Hah! So then she can't be a gold-digger, asswipe!"

"Sure she can, numb-nuts! The witch is a cheapskate. Did you know that she, as a freshman, swindled half the seniors out of their money selling ridiculously over-priced cakes at a bake-sale, just so she didn't have to pay any money out of her own pocket for a trip to France?"

"You lie!"

"It's true! The only reason she wasn't expelled is because he has Principle Iceberg eating out of her natty little manicured hand and because her mother owns half of Florida..."

Only one word registered to the love-struck blonde.

"Florida? Ohhh...a passionate moon-lit rendezvous in an orange grove...what I wouldn't give..."

Zoro slammed his forehead down painfully hard onto the tabletop.

"Look curly-brow, I hate to break it to you, but she's waaay outta your league. She's a rich girl, and you're just a wannabe chef..."

"Oh yeah? And since when has social status come between ardent lovers?!"

"Er...the Prince and the Pauper?"

"...dumbass! That's not a romance!"

"Coulda fooled me...what with the cover and all..."

"You're just gay-obsessed. Admit it, you flaming fruitcake."

"Fuck off!"

Sanji laughed at his friend's flaming cheeks and stubbed out his cigarette.

"So what if she's rich and I'm poor? I'll woo her like no gent's wooed before..."

"And you call _me_ the flaming fruitcake?! You pansy...who says woo anymore?"

"Well obviously not you, you uncultured twat."

"At least I'm manly." And with that, he let out a thunderous belch, drawing the attention of three nearby sophomores who sniggered and gave him the thumbs up.

"You pig!" Sanji all but screeched, flailing in disgust as Zoro blew the fetid stench towards him with a smirk.

"Pussy," Zoro retorted.

Sanji flicked his cigarette at him and missed, gaining a coldly disapproving look from a blond, bespectacled woman a few seats away. Sheepishly, the blond stood and retrieved the smouldering butt, put it out on the bottom of his natty sneaker, and tossed it in a nearby garbage can before returning to his seat.

"If Ratchet is such a bad catch despite his money then I've got nothing worry about."

"Oh?" Zoro eyed him curiously from behind the straw of his drink.

"He won't captivate her for long. She's a hot blooded wildcat...a fiery spirit of glorious womanhood..."

"Spare me...please."

But Sanji was on his feet now, one planted on the ground and the other on his chair as he posed thoughtfully with a finger on his cheek.

"...she's an uptown girl...yes...but she'll be _my_ uptown girl."

"Oi...curly cook..."

Music started up in a nearby store, the tune of a familiar boy band song drifting over to them. Sparks ignited in the blonde's eyes and he jumped nimbly onto his chair.

"Woahohohoh, woahohohohohhh!"

"Oh no..." Zoro almost whimpered and the look of someone far too used to this sort of thing pulled his lips into a grimace as Sanji started to sing.

"Uptown girl! She's been living in her uptown world! I bet she never had a back street guy!  
I bet her mama never told her why..."

"Holy...shit! Sanji, get the fuck down!"

But Sanji just ignored him and winked, his volume increasing.

"...I'm gonna try for an uptown girl! She's been living in her white bread world..."

"_White bread world_..." Zoro mouthed in horror, shaking his head in shame.

"...As long as anyone with hot blood can and now she's looking for a downtown man..." 

He paused before planting his hands on his hips and smiling goofily.

"That's what I am."

"People are staring fool!"

Zoro regretted saying it the moment the words left his lips and his best friend's face lit up. Sanji loved a crowd. In one swift movement, he swept all their food from the table onto the one next to it, and sprang up in its place.

"And when she knoooows what she wants from her ti-i-ime, and when she waaaakes up and maaaakes up her mi-i-ind..."

Sanji shimmied downwards until he was crouched down level with Zoro, and clapped the green-haired teen's cheeks between his open palms, forcing his lips into a fish-like pout.

"She'll see I'm not so tough, just because I'm in love with an uptown girl!"

Zoro slapped him away only to have the blonde leap off the table, and take off prancing around the food court still bloody singing.

"You know I've seen her in her uptown world; she's getting tired of her high class toys and all her presents from her uptown boys. She's got a choice..."

"Sanji!" Zoro hissed, face and neck turning vivid scarlet as people stopped eating to stare at them. "For the love of all that is good and sane, get your ass back here...!" 

He wannabe cook stopped at the fountain, near the table currently occupied by Usopp, his weird friend Luffy, and younger cousin Franky, leaping up onto its rim. The two teens and prepubescent boy gaped openly around their A&W burgers at the dancing blond, and Zoro felt the overwhelming urge to strangle the drama queen.

"Uptown girl! You know I can't afford to buy her pearls, but maybe someday when my ship comes in, she'll understand what kind of guy I've been..."

He posed like a superhero, causing Franky's eyes to sparkle and Luffy to swoon in his seat from the sheer amount of _unadulterated awesome_.

"...and then I'll win!"

Dear Beelzebub in hell, Zoro thought darkly as his ears burned hotly. He'd never admit it, but he loved the banana-headed moron to pieces..._except_ when he pulled wacky shit like this.

Then Luffy and Franky just had to join in with Sanji as his backup dancers, the three of them making crude feminine figures with vague hand gestures and shimmying, while Usopp lolled in his seat just about dying when he choked on his own spit. Zoro wished he could suffer the same fate; he only wanted to be put out of this misery.

"And when she's waaaalking, she's looooking so fi-i-ine, and when she's taaaalking she'll say that she's mi-i-ine."

"Are you done yet?" Embarrassed beyond measure, Zoro could honestly do nothing more but stand back and wait until Sanji finished his number.

"She'll say I'm not so tough, just because I'm in love with an uptown girl..." 

The singing stopped abruptly, leaving Sanji's backup singers/dancers mildly confused, Usopp clinging desolately to the camera phone he'd reached for too late, and Zoro in a state of profound relief.

At least...until the blonde leapt off the fountain ledge and took off running towards the place where Nami had once occupied—when on earth had she left? Not that Zoro particularly cared.

Sanji did apparently. He didn't even pause in his wild sprint to scoop something off the ground by what had once been Nami's seat and continuing on to the mall's exit doors.

Several pairs of eyes stared after him, totally bewildered.

"Now what the fuck was that all about...?"

-----X3-----

He caught up with her on the tree-lined path leading back to school. Her homeschooled friend—Vivi, was that her name?—missing as she'd already turned down her street.

"Hey! Hey, Miss...Miss Nami!"

Nami turned to him, frowning slightly, her hand edging its way into her purse.

"H...hey...cutie...um...er..."

Seeing the bumbling blonde meant her no harm, the redhead slowly released her grip on the bottle of mace in her purse. She smiled coyly, peering at Sanji through her eyelashes in a way that simply screamed 'sex kitten'. The heat under his collar seemed to amplify by several hundred degrees.

"Yes?"

"Well er, you were in the mall just now right?"

"Uh huh."

He thrust the diminutive little wallet out to her.

"You dropped this."

Before Sanji could even blink, the purse was gone from his hand and the voluptuous little beauty was rifling through it, eyes narrowed in greed and suspicion. Even then she still looked cute enough to eat...

-----X3-----

Zoro found him a few minutes later, lying in a pool of his own nose blood, beaming toothily like an idiot and missing his wallet.

Zoro crouched down next to him, no small amount of concern in his demeanour.

"What the fuck happened to you?!"

Sanji reached up with a shaky hand and patted his friend affectionately on the cheek, his grin never faltering an inch.

"Dude...I think she likes me..."

-----X3-----

This is what happens when you're bored out of your mind, waiting for your friend in a change room at LuluLemon, and you hear a song you haven't heard in years. XD

Blegh, I'll probably go back and spruce this up later. If any of you lovely readers spot anything horribly wrong with this (ex. Spelling, grammar, overt OoCness) drop me a review and I'll shower you with praise and love. :3


End file.
